A How-Not-To-Guide to packing

It normally starts about a week before we’re due to fly - ‘I’m packed!’ he (the husband) proclaims; the facial expression not dissimilar from the proud toddler who offers up his first ‘on target’ use of potty for examination.

Here we go... right, I’m ‘in travel’ yeah? So, I must have cracked the smooth process of holiday preparation you’d imagine? We’re off to Mauritius tomorrow.

Current status as follows:

1) Husband has tipped out a big suitcase containing all my summer clothes onto our bedroom floor and replaced it with three iPhone chargers, three pairs of well-worn pants and a frisbee. He has packed...clearly.

2) Child has filled a Paw Patrol rucksack containing roughly thirty Hot Wheels cars. A floppy, once-cream/dirty sheep soft toy is sticking out the top. Sheepy’s beady little eyes follow me around the room, daring me to add anything practical to this little slice of seven-year-old packing genius.

So we’re ready then. Which is great. We’re ready in as much as we could recreate the entire plot of Cars 3 at Gatwick, dancing around with modesty protected only by three pairs of greying middle-aged man pants.

I write a list of things to find in the chaos that is now my house. This in itself puzzles my husband who would much rather be completing essential packing work such as screwing all the Go Pro accessories together into some sort of weird go, go gadget arm thing that will be essential for, erm... sitting on the beach?

I don’t know how you get ready, but I really am a list person. I lock everyone out of the house, and I deliver on the list. So, there’s 7 pairs of sunglasses packed. Don’t care, I’m Head of Packing and I’ll organise it like my travel business, as a military operation. 12 bikinis for 5 days. TICK. Extra hula hoops (love hula hoops). TICK. Anything I’ve missed, I’ll pick up in duty free.

The irony of all this is that whilst I’m a Travel Counsellor, I don’t even benefit from the help they provide (for some reason this makes me think of Travel Counsellors existing as little Russian dolls one slightly teenier than the next which I know is rather weird. ’With me its personal’ booms daddy counsellor, ‘With meeeee it’s personal’, squeaks mummy travel person, ‘w-ivv meh its more personal-er’ stutters baby travel counsellor). Anyway, what this means in reality is that nobody has popped round with a guide book and travel goodies. Nobody has given me a call to talk me through the nuances of my itinerary or provided me with beautifully written out luggage labels. No-one has offered to check me in for my flight. There is no handy activity pack for the hyperactive child (he has found the Haribos). No-one, bluntly, gives a monkey’s, or even a sinister, inanimate, sheep toys.

I do have the app though. The app is pretty cool. It contains all the various bits of paper I need, so everything from the airport parking (which I, er, definitely remembered to book *frantically logging onto the laptop) through to lounge details, the discounted excursions I’ve pre-booked and the car hire voucher for when I get there (‘I have to be independent when we’re away’ grunts Head of Iphone Chargers). It’s also where I send myself quotes for exciting new holidays, if I so felt the desire to spend the day sending myself quotes about imaginary holidays I really want to go on… (hey Jeremy Kyle’s cancelled what’s a girl to do?) So at least there’s less wrestling with the printer before we go.

We’re ready to go now (down to twenty Hot Wheels, progress!), so I’ll leave it there. I’m probably supposed to end with some sagely advice on how to make holiday organisation easier but to be honest I don’t have any and if I did that would be patronising. Grin and bear it I guess or sneak away on your own when the family isn’t looking (bad wife). At the very least use a Travel Counsellor who can look after all of the bits that are look after-able; and that’s where I can help. I can’t help choose your husband’s pants; that would definitely be weird, and I can’t relieve you of a flotilla of beloved soft toys or Hot Wheels, but if you want a holiday where you know I’ve got your back and every detail is meticulously thought through then get in touch and I’ll even share my packing list with you!